I think I've hit an all time low in my college years. Just bombarded with a mixture of lucid visions of dystopian futures, crippling worry, and my own constant disappointments. I've probably bombed some tests along the way. In hindsight, I was homesick and missing an element of human connection.
What I've realized is that I just can't bring myself to care that much about money. I just want enough to put food on the table and just spend the rest of the time doing things I enjoy and find meaningful with people I want to do it with.
My priorities are starting to change due to artificial intelligence. I've been choosing to fixate more on my relationships. I feel that I've been hyperfixating on productivity a little too much; powered by some mixture of inner rage, worry, the feeling of being trapped in a hole, and the only way forward is up and lastly obsession. I'm not sure if I want to feed into that hardcore productivity, although I know that obsessive side of me reappears again and again. Don't get me wrong. I want my work to have a meaningful impact, just not sure if I want to make the extreme sacrifices that I've done previously. I want there to be love and laughter as well. I want to go camping with my family and play sports. I want to make inside jokes, draw mustaches on magazine models, and get a pilots license. I want to build some memorable experiences. Worst case is I become the kind of people who sacrifices time with friends and family for their work.
I've been letting people down a lot. I let myself down a lot too. I'm realize I have this tendency to do exactly the opposite of what everyone else is doing and wants me to do; there's this sort of rebel inside of me since high school. So sorry ma for letting you down. Sorry for everyone who've invested heavily in my education and believed in me, but I'm just gonna do what I want to do (and suffer the anticipated consequences of course).
So...
Sorry guys, I gotta see about a girl.