I do think I've hit an all time low in college. Some mixture of lucid visions of dystopian futures, worry and . Bombed some tests along the way. Neurotic. Unstable.
What I've realized is that I just can't bring myself to care that much about money (I know I'm going to be homeless). I just want enough to put food on the table and just spend the rest of the time doing things I enjoy and find meaningful with people I want to do it with.
My priorities are starting to change. I feel that I've been hyperfixating on productivity and a career; powered by some mixture of inner rage, worry, the feeling of trapped in a hole and the only way forward is up and lastly obsession. I'm not sure if I want to feed into that hardcore productivity, although I know that obsessive side of me reappears again and again. Don't get me wrong. I want my work to have a meaningful impact, just not sure if I want to make the extreme sacrifices that I feel I've been leaning too far into. I want there to be love and laughter as well. I want to go camping with family and play sports. I want to make inside jokes, draw mustaches on magazine models, get a pilots license. I want to build some memorable experiences. Worst case is I become the kind of people who sacrifices time with friends and family for their work.
I've been letting people down a lot. I let myself down a lot too. I'm realize I have this tendency to do exactly the opposite of what everyone else is doing and wants me to do; there's this sort of rebel inside of me since high school. So sorry ma for letting you down. Sorry for everyone who've invested heavily in my education and believed in me, but I'm just gonna do what I want to do (and suffer the anticipated consequences of course).
So...
Sorry guys, I gotta see about a girl.